Habits and Rituals
“The easiest way to increase happiness is to control your use of time. Can you find more time to do the things you enjoy doing?
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In his epic book, Thinking Fast and Slow, which I gobbled down during a Harvard Kennedy School course about Leadership Decision Making (LDM) in 2018, Danny Kahneman explores the essential role of intentionality in our actions and decisions, like learning to drive a car or make judgments about a situation. As we intentionally learn and practice new, productive skills that we WANT to have, we actually increase our level of mental happiness and satisfaction. And many psychologists agree that learning a new skill takes time and practice. Some say 3 weeks. Others say 3 months.
I put this idea to the test for myself when COVID hit in March of 2020. I knew lock-down was going to be really hard, and possibly debilitatingly depressing. I’d been there before, though not because I was trapped at home. I’d been trapped in my own mindset, and I’d known what “bad habits” depression could push me to. And I didn’t enjoy them, even if they felt momentarily good at the time.
So, when the first case was announced on March 1. 2020 in New Rochelle, and I needed to move my coop board meeting to zoom, I also had to make some real commitments to myself. And I called them rituals. I’m not the only one though, a group of my closest LGBTQ friends, led by Walter Allen quickly banded together to keep our spirits up with a daily group chat of humor, politics, sunshine, and food delivery service updates. And that was my lead. I built my own personal rituals into my day as well. And I carried it through not just 3 months, but a year and 3 months.
My morning in quarantine began with coffee and the news, snuggled with Pippa in bed, I moved on to listening to Andrew Cuomo (when we all thought we could trust him and the “data”) sitting isolated in my yard, absorbing whatever early spring Vitamin D I could. This would be followed by a prolonged and masked walk in the park. And I’d always end the day by lighting candles, pouring a glass of wine, planning my dinner around whatever we were all watching on Netflix or HBO, ringing my 7pm bells, and maybe having a FaceTime quarantini with someone. At each phase though, I tried to make a point of changing clothes so it felt like a “normal day”. And I’d “even dress for dinner” just for myself, regardless of whether it meant wearing the same dressy top and necklace every evening. I promise you, the difference the intentionality made was immeasurable. It was even pleasurable, like a new adventure I could control every day when the unending sirens, news and protests surrounded us. I even took that ritual with me to Bermuda. And now that I’m back, I’m struggling. It’s jarring to see the city “return to normalcy” with the habits I’d broken away from with my rituals. The constant construction, noise, bikes and cars, disregarding all safety rules. But, it’s especially seeing people ignoring each other again with their unmasked faces glued to their phones.
To be clear. Rituals are activities we intentionally “opt into” because they give us a sense of meaning, and purpose, whereas Habits are activities we unintentionally “default into” because of past behavioral patterns or external influences.
So, this week, as you intentionally take a step back and look at what you are tending to do, I’d encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this a Habit? Or a Ritual?” And then choose what you do next.
Holly Lynch is a 20+ year communications veteran and life-long social impact advocate and strategist who has helped individuals, educational leaders, and companies tackle the toughest challenges in their worlds.
Having survived countless life setbacks and two rounds with terminal cancer, while seeing the country-wide collapse of the systems and safety nets for the most vulnerable in and outside our communities, she is now shifting her life and career trajectories to focus on coaching those facing down fundamental shifts and transitions as they try to navigate and rebuild their lives, institutions and businesses during these unprecedented times.