Conscientious Conflict-Resolution vs Compromise
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online Does this image stress you out as much as it does me? Does it make you MAD?
This is the Mulberry that has literally, figuratively and increasingly loomed over my life in New York for the last 10 years. But I have had no way to cut it back on my own. And every year as it grows more and more towards my little historic brownstone and the berries fall for longer and longer periods of time on my beautiful plants, furniture and friends (June to August), my neighbor, who owns the tree, seems to get more and more reticent to do nothing to acknowledge my concerns about the destruction the berries cause in what should be my oasis in the city. And every year I get more and more STRESSED AND ANGRY!
This past year as I began my pursuit of a Life Coaching certification with IPEC, it was a major topic of stress and conflict as peer after peer coach tried to support me in my pursuit of a less contentious feeling about this tree and my neighbor. But it wasn’t until I realized this isn’t a singular challenge I face — it’s a pattern of behavior I’ve fallen into my whole life — That I took stock of my role in this and every situation that has left me feeling resentful, devalued and angry. This revelation enabled me to SEE that compromising myself and my wants and needs to please others is my go-to in situations of conflict. It always has been. In Energy Leadership language — I’ve been living in a constant state “Level 3” of “Compromise” and “You Win, I Lose” just to avoid conflict and voicing what upsets me, because I might upset someone else or “lose their love, respect or friendship”. This means I have valued myself LESS than almost everyone else in my life. How CRAZY IS THAT?!
Who else reading this post has been doing the same thing? I’m going to take a WILD GUESS and say most of you, especially if you’re a woman.
So, what did this realization do for me? A few things.
1. It enabled me to change my POV about this and every similar situation
2. It empowered me to Own my Responsibility and Role in the situation, rather than always blaming someone else and playing “victim” when the truth is I really was just afraid to stand up for myself, and voice my upset.
3. It forced me to ask “What is the cost to me of NOT voicing my upset on all these occasions? Well, that was obvious. I was living in stress and unhappiness, and who needs that?
4. It also forced me to ask “What’s the worst that could happen?” And that was pretty clear too. I’d piss my neighbor off. But really did it matter? I legally have every right to cut back what’s hanging over my yard, so the law is on my side regardless of her response.
5. It led me to Action! What was I going to do?! So, I hired a nationally certified, full tree service company and consultancy to put a holistic solution together and work with me to show my neighbor we could “Both Win”. That’s “Level 5” Energy.
Cutting back the tree with a plan that keeps everyone’s concerns in mind — light, fruit, budget, privacy, etc. Would be good for everyone.
I actually proposed all this this morning…
And guess what? Here was my neighbor’s literal response.
“Hi Holly,
Glad to hear you’re doing well. I’m happy to hear what they have in mind and will reach out today to schedule a time for them to see the full tree.
Best,”
So, as I close this post… I ask…
How can you apply these realizations and reflections to your own lives and points of conflict this Spring and move into a more productive headspace of reconciliation, positive growth and opportunity?